It never was anxiety, it was, unquestionably, restlessness.
I have faced death, loss, violence, sadness, despair, drama and obsoletion.
Looking back, I can identify a common definition of anxiety but, giving it a second look, I can now see and translate those events in a deeper view of the moment: I never stopped.
Never got stranded, ever got immobilised in more than a fraction, a protective synapse, and this changes everything! It’s not anxiety. Anxiety incapacitates, and I never felt stronger than during the event (obviously sensing the adrenal/hormonal decay immediately after) but I always fell into a mature acknowledgement of my own personal strengths and weaknesses.
I’m not an alien, I just have built the tools to look at things in spacetime differently.
March 2, 2021
Maybe I’m the lion, maybe I’m not.
Either way I lead the pack, mine, yours, and some more.
This is why I’m alone on my own, the result of nothing more, but being me.
I expect no change at all.
The pictured lonely lion.the MONSTRUKTOR
August 4, 2017
I understand something, then I have to start over again and again because I have to explain to others and at their pace. Frustrations are part of my current state, until my ascension.the MONSTRUKTOR
July 19, 2016
Motivation by exaltation of mediocrity and punitive control is a doomed cause made from and for the unconscious pseudo enlightened.the MONSTRUKTOR
July 12, 2016
The sage acts by doing nothing. His concerns are troubled only by the means of himself and while I cannot see further than my actions I will, someday, be the skilled inept sweep of success.the MONSTRUKTOR
July 7, 2016
Seeding for just enough time, to gather and collect, with maximum interests. As leaders are ordered to be demanding.the MONSTRUKTOR
July 3, 2016
Only a simple man can foresee the destruction of deformative residual elements as a theory of domination and power gathering.the MONSTRUKTOR
April 27, 2016
A full chest of lies is nothing compared with my empty head of truth’s.
They seem to be in an unbalanced relation in the prioritized society of today. Given the opportunity to compare truth with lie I cannot even see the proximity of importance, and even less the inverted situation between the meaning and use of the two concepts. But this is the reality of the same society that resemble a group of friends in constant battle over nothing just to falsely impose bonds.
I have no lies inside but the ones others keep on giving me for free. I try to signal them about the empty head I have, abjected and geometrically reflecting outside that given words, but they try to force that norm through me as if a rule had to become true. Altruistic as I am I keep some lies as truths just to fulfill the fact that this is another reality for someone and so being, as for my constant redirect myself to others, I have to keep the insanity of this type of living real to others as well. What a waste of time, what a psico dilemma, what a wonderful friend I am…
Strangeness comes sit next to me when everything is an old, enormous expelled wasted matter, made from recycled resounding lies. Stranger than truth, revoked as part of morality and staggering me as I see the depth (and shallowness) of entire bands of society settled in this inversion of values and modus in life. Sad. “True”. Real conflict of interests made relative to the lack of morality imposed by deceiveness.
I am nothing but an observant, casted as an actor, narrating what I write and recording the scenes of sounding truths, just to find myself inside of myself. I am not a moralistic man, I have my commitments and doubts as everybody else, some strange and misleading, some so simple that are even more strange, but I still chose to work hard everyday and achieve an empty head, of truth.
So lost and so busy trying to find nothing when they only needed to use truth to find all of themselves all.
April 1, 2016
Older, darker, aware. Without enemies but with a legion of silent allies.the MONSTRUKTOR
March 26, 2016
Perceptive of the settling, an innocuous moment of inverted sight brought by the sea of ceilings that condone the horizontal clarity. Deflecting light to give birth to the blackest truth of them all. Yet.the MONSTRUKTOR
March 7, 2016
What I do everyday is simply my way to communicate with the world. Yes, you!
The importance you had in my life was such that even today, when i’m creating, from thought, i know you are present. So present that I still feel the scars you gave me and left me alone to cure. I feel them as rock rolling while gorging me through the throat of a beast engulfing yet another talented rebel. I feel it!
From the early moments our paths have crossed, i sensed we could have a wonderful time together. Me, glazed with you. You, expecting nothing more than another ambitious boy you knew would fail. I don’t remember the common feeling of that time about ourselves but i know i still admire you for your tenacity and belief in the species you are curating.
I kept my faith as a man, in this consecutive and symbiotic relation we have accomplished together all this years, but… I’m very sorry, very very and deeply sorry, dear world but this isn’t working for me anymore. I will continue, alone, ascending to the material oblivion of us all, forcing you to tell my story. This will be the regret you will have from me. The only one.
This is not a defeat, a token of my own demise or even a give up shoulder movement of some sort. This is a notice, a letter of self construction and evolution. This is me using you to my own egoselfishpower of expression and creation. This is me saying you don’t have what i need to be with me and be a part of this transcendent path of awareness and enlightenment. Sorry, but you don’t…
I will continue my presence as flesh until i have recycled myself through the elements, as a rite of kindness and share to the ones who i love unconditionally. They deserve it. I will keep them close as particles of me. Inside. Protected with these words of me and you. They know because I have told them.
I know this is hard, but i also know you will overcome this situation with a lot more experience and focus on protecting yourself from the illusions of control you though you could have on a sage.
Thank you, It was good, but now its going to be even better.
When you change your mind you know where to find me, always!
February 6, 2016
I’m starting to unconsume consumerism at the proportional rate of the conscious possession of my wiser surrounding.the MONSTRUKTOR
January 27, 2016
Entering the realm of truth, within the inept depth of darkness, blind of the prosaic eyes of humans, i can prevail with my sight, made of a thousand eyes.
Empty as a spore of life, conscious of the surrounding matter and flesh, embracing the landscape as if air was not enough, searching for nothing more than everything, I see.
Do not confuse me with one of the holy, or with a sacred answer to a mystery of enlightenment or even to a miracle of proneness among humans. I am a simple man. This is my power – and the same can be said of my visions – a built one, not made of a dark mystery beyond reason or understanding, but made of and from my truth. The truth that comes to surface in the eyes of the others, from the inner core of all this doubt, searched and found from the infinite radius of curiosity that surrounds my life, and makes them discomfortable in my presence.
This is power and is also a punishment of my earthly mistakes. The ones that make me functional to all of you, but keep me from rest from the common cure. The only exit to cure, is to continue to infect myself with more and more and rearrange the order of pain. I don’t fear the pain, as I learned to identify the symptoms of faith that keep the others safe but I still need to reassure self control.
I’m walking towards the sage, i know. This entity that resides inside you all and yet, exists bravely, only within a few of the aware. This is present in me as if a self reflection in a lightless mirror, the same who resembles the far side of the darkest moon and breaks reality in the engulfing light that cures and cares. Dissonant as a perished sound I continue my quest for light through dark.
The track of my life is never set and the disdain for the end is a respectful one. I keep grabbing life without fear of death. I live life learning how to die. This path is a free gift from me, to all who crossed my anger, care, friendship or even love.
I’m not blind, i just chose to see more with my eyes closed.
December 29, 2015