Insufficient

I’m not enough for me.

Motivational consistency, continuous improvement, content indexing and archival, and evolutionary analysis are some of the aspects I have a great difficulty to put in a routinely sequence.

I can say I am at my best dealing with newly found challenges, individual or group based, but rather soon in the process I loose my interest and deter myself from continuing.

I am an established igniter, with a respectable drive on critical analysis and on kick-starting anything. I guess it has to do mostly with curiosity, mine; or maybe some kind of feline way of being stimulated in order to maintain the agression levels of my territory well kept. Nonetheless, this happens, I loose interest, and I get bored.

What happens afterwards this state of boredom can range from bursts of creativity (using the common definition of creating something new), enhanced will power, wide group influencing (known and unknown stakeholders) and even procedural revolutions organically changing at least one methodological factor in the process.

I’m not a bad finisher either, but there’s always so much human factors involved that I keep juggling two arguments in my mind in a way to motivate myself to maintain my sanity:

01. I’m not a team player and I find excuses to “end” my participation as soon as people’s start deriving into entropy from the initial propositions (maybe this is an expected behaviour and I’m not able to deal with that decaying scenario and accept that it happens at all levels)

02. I’m balancing a state of quantum social positioning in which I keep a system lubricated by feeding myself with the difficult beginning while I am at the same time expecting to trust to the specialists the time and space expected for them to achieve the “ends” ((the results are surprisingly (and exponentially) increasing in quality, the further I take my ability to keep a safe distance from my natural way of accept the opinion of others out of the equation and, by influencing everything around those “ends” with my next … initial energy! 😉

This indents the second argument in arrogance, ego, vision, talent, power, experience, and so many more meta definitions of restlessness that only a profound self knowledge about intention, ambition and beauty, can help. This can also be seen as an almost closed system, almost a loop, but cyclically forwarding my choices at a lower and lower rate of my own energy. Still, I can say it started with a large amount of it, despite being inversely visible to the quality of the result at higher and higher rates.

This autonomous body of work, and experience is a system of insufficient creation. The beginnings and the multiple ends are continuously connected to one another and appear to have a respectful eternal insatisfaction attached. The process thrives on entropy and honest retribution, analytically conducting more and more unknowns into the core of combustion and still, it is achieving the state of a cristal, in which the transformation quietly expends no visible energy of mine to occur.

However, I wish I had time to learn how to stop and rest, only to know how much more I could do if, I was sufficient for you.

— the monstruktor

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August 3, 2021


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