One day I started thinking by myself, about myself, and it was a glorious failure.
That day, when life itself began to change, family, friends and close acquaintances were kept close and warned. At first they didn’t understood but they knew that it started in me, unconsciously, way back in the past. They were simply dazzled in plain sight with a wondrous mind starting its path of self discovery and early built personality. Mistaken with stubbornness, adolescent karma of abnormal quantities, and pure ego, soon, I also began to change the common opinion to a more reasonable intelligence and ambitious recognition of pure difference, therefore, abnormality.
The first to respect it were undoubtedly my parents, but also surely and foremost the ones with more trouble accepting the different human being living among them. My sister, discovered the subject of such calm and quiet, yet profound and deliberate revolution, the easiest way. The age proximity made it simple to comprehend and opened a path on its own, for both of us.
Strangely and with all the openness and acceptance possible from this group of proximity sensors I began a singular path. A self retrieved isolation and eremitage, despite having my normal heterosexual relations in the meantime.
I kept myself open to life. Tried all that I could, even limits, and filled a page every single time I pleasured myself with discovery.
Committed to leave a mark I abandoned some stereotypes that makes my first sentence true : I failed at living a normal life.
I have awakened to an embodied reality made inside me, constructed with a purpose and not a defined goal of integration. This failure made me cry, and fall.
Destroyed simple things in my life and in the life of others. This made me the way that I am. A monster.
I keep saying to myself the comforting words of wisdom and intelligent awareness that I am capable of rationally produce inside, but I know they are not enough to the ones who respect my choice. I keep failing at normality. Normality keeps failing at me, and like this we dance in a limbo of power and balanced struggle to maintain each other in a divided domination.
Sometimes, there are rays of energy that overflows my mind and a small cloud of acceptance forms over my head only to fall as big chunks of hail.
They hurt. Badly.
But, I keep going. Deliberately finding the path I chose in the mist of blurred commoners.
I know I have to comfort myself in the mind of others. The ones who I care and respect, admire, listen, and most of all I dedicate my entire energy to try to comfort in happiness.
I sincerely hope everyone can live with my failure because it was made real in the black core of who accepted abnormality as a state of constant mindful humanity.
I know and dedicate myself to life. I just hope some of them dedicate themselves to me like my father, mother and sister did back in the time I was dead and reset our lives.
the MONSTRUKTOR